Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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