Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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