My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
