Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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