how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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