I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My life is pants optional.
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