Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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