Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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