I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
