If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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