What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
