So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You may now shotgun with the bride
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
