I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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