My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize