you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize