Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
