I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
this hospital has no fireball
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
