I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize