you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
