I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
no you cant smoke seaweed
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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