someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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