how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I want to fling myself into the sun
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
