So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
