When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
