Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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