stop calling my apartment porn island.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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