Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
