What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
