I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize