the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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