my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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