Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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