Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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