i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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