apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
