Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
