i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
