So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
