i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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