the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
