Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
