arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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