At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I fill condoms, not promises.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
