I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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