Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
