I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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