so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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