did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You have to summon your inner elephant
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
