I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you had me at cake vodka
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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