just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
