Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
