if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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