Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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