Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
