Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
