I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
