i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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