I'd wear matching sweaters with you
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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