Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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