I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
