My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
