woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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