I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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