I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
