just come out here and I will go home with you...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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