We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
