Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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