Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
