A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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