Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize