Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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